As a woman who is a practicing Life, Love, and Relationship Coach, and who has studied men extensively, I am always tremendously impressed by men, and by how well they manage in our culture, which only too often acts to interrupt the circuit of their full potential.
In the course of my career, I have often counseled men who have experienced social or sexual "short circuits" that can interfere with the full enjoyment and self-expression of their wonderful natural power.
My work has convinced me that it's time to shine the light of awareness and understanding on our social and religious environment. We need to see clearly how the traditional "programming" we have learned may have affected us; we need to lighten some of the issues that have been set upon us; and we need to create some empowering remedies, not only for the grownup men out there, but also for our sons.
The Setup
I believe that on both sexual and societal levels, our men are often set up for failure, impotence, frustration, and prostate cancer. We certainly see a high incidence of these problems in the so-called developed countries. Could our information and training - or lack thereof - in human sexuality be a contributing factor?
Let's step back and take an electrical engineer's view of the sexual and social circuitry in American cultural wiring.
We begin as young children who intuitively understand that our connection to our genitals is a soothing influence. There is in utero evidence that children are innately sexual beings - no matter how much we may choose to deny it. There is photographic proof that fetuses in the womb actually stimulate their own genitals.
From my own childhood, I recall discovering that putting my hand on my genitals helped me to calm myself, to feel good, and to experience a grounding, soothing influence. I am rather sure that it's the same for boys: as a babysitter and as a mother, I couldn't help but notice that little boys love to play with their own penis's. In her great wisdom, Nature has made the penis fascinating. I remember discovering that fascination myself at a very young age, and I certainly enjoy it to this day!
Biological Urges and Shame
In our culture, the atmosphere around self-pleasuring or masturbation can run the gamut from non-denominational messages such as "This is private!" to our national religious genesis that declares: "No! This is a violation of your body and against God." Pretty strong message! Thus, our social and sexual training often begins by coupling the body's pleasure with shame.
Many parents who have themselves been raised with this shame feel embarrassment at their children's natural penchant for self-soothing. How do most parents deal with the embarrassment? Their reactions can run the gamut from general feelings of disapproval and not talking about such matters (I italicize this because the very pointed avoidance of talking about sexual things sends a strong message that sexual matters are "not okay"); to slapping hands away; to anger; and even to punishment. Now, we have added some degree of trauma to the mix.
Children are naturally curious about the sights and smells of their bodies and the differences between the sexes. If their parents haven't managed to quash this tendency, most children will find one way or another to explore their differences. Anyone who says this is "not natural" was never a child! Exploring with peers, playing "doctor," or any other game of discovery, is quite likely to happen with any child. How do parents usually react when they observe such play? The response is more often negative than positive. How many of you were punished, yelled at, "talked to," or shamed in some way if caught? Here we have another source of trauma that breeds another strong message of shame, of rejection of the body and of sexual and pleasurable feelings.
By the time children are around age three and older, you may find yourself overhearing them refer to sexual matters as "dirty" or "nasty." This learned belief can have a powerful negative effect on children's self-esteem: although they cannot help experiencing their natural sexual feelings as thrilling, they have already learned that expressing these feelings may incur personal rejection and shame. Do you think this might, in some people, later express as "deviant" sexual behavior?
When boys hit puberty, the nice, soothing genital-area feelings that they are used to begin to morph into stronger sexual inflammation. They discover that stimulating their genitals brings increased pleasure-and then they discover orgasm and ejaculation. In the no-talk households, the first ejaculation can be terrifying for those who either do not know what it is, or who do know, but who have been lectured that it is shameful. Some boys are afraid that they may be seriously harming themselves in a physical or a spiritual manner-and that fear can be mild to extremely traumatic.
As they figure out that they aren't going to die and that these pleasurable feelings are repeatable, nature takes over. No matter how hard a boy tries "not to," hormones and the procreative instinctual urge kick into full swing, and he finds it virtually impossible to ignore the flow that wants to express through his penis!
The unavoidable general disapproval in our societal and religious atmosphere about sexploration for pure pleasure descends upon the boy, and, to varying degrees, activates more feelings of guilt and shame. But wait - still another negative complication is layered on!
For young men, we realize that this primal, instinctual urge to procreate that is in their God-given design is very powerful. We teach our young men that these urges must be controlled and managed, and that to avoid succumbing to them is a test of one's integrity as a man: - so, here is another "No!"
War Between The Sexes Begins
At the same time, young men receive still another, even more damaging message that is actually responsible for setting up the war between the sexes! Because their primal sexual urge is so powerful, society acknowledges that some - probably most - men just aren't up to the task of controlling it. Never mind that there is really no education, no training, no help offered in learning how to manage these overwhelmingly powerful natural procreative urges. So what if he fails the test? Well - most young men do!
Thus we, as a compassionate society, backhandedly forgive young men's transgressions, presenting them with a set of ever more confusing mixed messages that look something like this:
o The primal urge of bodily pleasure is not to be trusted.
o Masturbation is a sin against your body, against your integrity, and against God.
o Sex is for procreation only, and only with your chosen partner, married for life.
o Women are the real source of sexual temptation.
o Women are responsible for controlling men's access to sex.
o We know you can't control yourself, so just don't get caught!
o Because you can't control your urges with women, go ahead and get what you can -but not with my daughter!
And men are teaching this to their own sons! This scenario is degrading, both to men and to women. Women who do not say "No!" are considered to be without integrity. Women who say "Yes!" are unworthy. Women are supposedly in control of whether a man may express his sexuality. Also, because our society tends to be homophobic, it is unlikely that a man can experience any form of essential, healing touch unless he is in a relationship or denigrates his religious integrity by paying to be touched. In these circumstances, how can a man see himself as other than totally out of control and unworthy and without integrity - period!
The Results
How could anyone possibly have a healthy sex life in this scenario? In my years of coaching clients, I have seen the varying degrees of devastation it can cause. Some men try to ignore all the mixed messages and manage to give themselves tacit permission to explore. No matter how much permission he has given himself, though, a man's underlying "programming" can occasionally recur in various ugly forms - including impotence, prostate cancer, relationship issues, and other personal and interpersonal problems. Some men find themselves stopped at the very gate, unable to step into healthy sexuality at all! Judging by the proliferation of drug prescriptions, special-purpose clinics, and major surgeries, we can well assume that male sexual dysfunction is an epidemic upon which our medical community is currently realizing great profits in erection aids and prostate operations. Do you think that there could be a psychological basis to this?
In our culture, young women are just taught to say "No." While this simpler imperative creates its own huge, sweeping challenges that dramatically affect women's side of the equation, and that also negatively impact men, at least it is less confusing. (I will address these significant women's issues in an upcoming article.)
I believe that our society's mixed messages to men, beginning from their boyhood: "NO - NO - Yes - YES - NO! ... NO, you shouldn't! NO Control! Yes - you can't help it! YES, you will - get whatever you can! NOT with my daughter!" create a painful environment of much greater complexity and greater repercussions for men than does our message to women. So much confusion would mess up the best circuitry! It's enough to make your head spin!
A man's sexual functioning is far more complex than that of a woman. There are a lot of elements to a man's sustainable erection that can easily be made to malfunction at any point along the circuit by any of a myriad of variables. All those "Nos!" and "Yeses!" can most certainly create some degree of short-circuiting!
When one is young, the reproductive urge is a powerful biological element that may supersede societal or religious overlays. Maturity, however, brings greater discrimination and different perspectives that create more space for earlier "programming" to exert its influence. It is at this time that we have the opportunity, with our maturity, to reexamine what we have been taught and whether it is truly serving us. Many stay with the status quo, questioning nothing and perpetuating confusion and the madness. Others recognize something in themselves that needs to be addressed, and begin searching for more complete education and training.
So, guys, given this knowledge and awareness, what would you like to do about it?
The Missing Elements
In working with my clients, I have found that men who have had sexual training from a more experienced partner seem to have a much healthier and more open attitude about their sexuality and relationships. They are more receptive to communication from their partners and to exploration and new discovery. Because they were originally educated and trained by another, they are not invested in their sexual supremacy (the idea that the man is supposed to teach his woman about sex).
Victorian Hangover
Men who have not had the benefit of a more experienced teacher may find themselves suffering from certain leftovers of Victorian morality: "Sex is both a marital duty and a pleasure for men. Nice women should not expect to enjoy it, just procreate and raise the kids." "Things are very different nowadays!" you might say - but the Victorian Hangover still encompasses virginity as a prized commodity. The illusion says that the "out-of-control guy" is supposed to be the more experienced partner, expected to teach his innocent female partner about sex.
What positive experience does he truly have to give her? Some have the benefit of the education from locker-room braggarts - and really, how much of that is fabricated? Most have the experience of a furtive jerkoff in the bathroom or in the privacy of their bedroom - mustn't get caught! All they know is that if you rub, you get an orgasm and a squirt. They may do it very quickly for the release and to avoid detection - and this is all they know about sex. When they actually begin to engage with another, they repeat that quick jerkoff within their partner. And no one knows any different! If they read men's magazines or watch porno, this limited perspective is reinforced.
Women, on the other hand, need a much longer warmup, as their erectile tissue is internal and not so visible. They have to receive the excited energy of their partner, and in the traditional, Victorian scenario, they are little more than catchers' mitts for their partners' intravaginal masturbation. Without the proper warmup, women may not find intercourse as fully pleasurable as it could be. As a result, there are many very sexually unsatisfied women. For some women, menopause becomes a welcome opportunity to "pause from men," because under the old paradigm, a woman may have rarely (if ever) realized what the potential pleasure of her sexuality might bring.
The men in my examples have very effectively trained themselves in the practice of premature ejaculation, and the women don't have much chance for more extended experience! How many times have you heard men bemoaning the "extra effort" required for foreplay? Our sexuality has become very goal-oriented: "I'm here to make you come; you're here to make me come - let's get to work!" It is a very work-like, businesslike endeavor, that is expected to look a certain way and to work in a certain way. Anything that doesn't quite measure up to their picture of what a successful scenario should look/feel like may be seen as a potential "problem" - a problem that can actually become a self-fulfilling prophesy, when confidence in one or both partners' performance is undermined in any way.
In the Victorian scenario, an inexperienced woman is unlikely to know what she wants, nor to have the ability to ask for it even if she does know. A more experienced woman may even pretend inexperience to please her partner's desire for virginity, and thus will not, or feel she must not, communicate her needs. We are all also trained to avoid discussing sexual matters, which further impedes her ability to communicate - and we are taught not to ask much of anything sexual to men anyway, because they have such fragile egos!
Why do you suppose men may have fragile egos? Because sexually untrained men know little more than their untrained partners; and if their culture has convinced them that they must seem credible teachers, they do not want to be found out! Their confidence is shakily founded; and anything less than honoring of their leadership crumbles that foundation to bits. Thus we all suffer in silence, living with a mere shadow of the true electrical potential that our sexuality can provide. Our society's reluctance to honor our sexuality by training our children toward natural, sensible appreciation of their bodies' innate pleasure puts another short circuit in the flow of the healthy, happy sexuality that we all deserve to enjoy!
Solutions
The good news is that we are living in a magickal time. In the last 40 or so years, our traditional paradigm has undergone a radical opening and shift. Attitudes are changing, albeit slowly. With reproductive management, there is more permission to explore and to enjoy. People are no longer totally accepting of religious and governmental control of their sexual exploration and pleasure. Masturbation is more accepted. There is more tolerance of sexual and relationship alternatives. People are beginning to discover that there may even be a profound spiritual component in their sexuality! It is a good beginning - and we still have a long way to go.
Self-Love
Our sexual enjoyment and expression are symptoms of our self-love. There is a direct relationship between self-esteem and sexual energy. Have you noticed that when you don't feel good about yourself, it is unlikely that you will feel particularly sexy?
Our society's traditional training in sexual matters has the potential to dramatically undermine our self-esteem. Feelings of shame, guilt, isolation, and rejection loom large in our ability to feel attractive to ourselves or to others. If this negativity is so foundational, how can we transform it?
The answer is easy, yet requires the endeavor of constant attention. Moment by moment, whenever you have an opportunity for choice: choose love! Whether it is in order to take kind care of the self, or to be kind in your relationships with others - choose love!
Most of our choices are made from fear of what will happen if we choose something else. We crave safety, security, and love. We fear that some basic personal need will not be met. But who is in charge of that? Not anyone else but the self. How often, when we make our choices, do we first pay true and humane honor to ourselves?
For example, it is very wise of the airlines to suggest that when oxygen is needed, parents should secure their own supplies first, so that they can be strong and available to serve their children and others in turn.
I believe that we each have our own personal "energy circuit" that reflects how we are loving and caring for ourselves. This circuit channels the energy available both for ourselves and for our service to others. When our circuits are healthy, connected, and flowing freely with energy, we are at our best: clear, centered, empowered. We are in a more reliable, solid state. When our circuits are shorted, obstructed or blocked, the aliveness and the quality of what we bring to the moment is diminished. Thus, when our own basic needs are not met, we feel that lack as a "blown circuit!" We have less patience, are more easily knocked off-balance, and the quality of our output is lessened.
Therefore, to be more fully charged with life, and in charge of our lives, it is essential to bring our fullest, best selves to the experience - which requires that we love ourselves enough to ensure that we have our best selves to give.
I have been on this path of "self-love" for many years, and it still amazes me to discover the layers and layers of new ways to give myself the same loving attention that I endeavor to give generously to others, and that enriches the quality of my life experience more every day ... through loving choices to nurture myself, to honor myself, to give myself pleasure, to maintain balance, to play more ... and on and on. It is a delightful journey that I promise gets more fun every day!
Education & Training
IF YOU HAVE YOUNG ONES ...
o Educate yourself about your own sexuality and locate trainers and coaches to show you what is available to you on your journey toward healing old wounds and opening new doors to expanded experiences so that you can pass it on to your children at the appropriate times.
o Study ways to better honor and support your children's self-esteem on all levels.
o Honor their rhythms and needs to ensure positive educational experiences. Today's children will not as easily conform to the ways in which we were raised and educated. We need new approaches. Inform yourself about what is available.
o Keep your attitudes sex-positive and educate yourself in the best ways to honor, direct, and communicate with your children as they discover their own sexuality.
FOR YOU...
o Improve your Relationship with Yourself! It all begins with the self. Treat yourself as you would your lover, pleasure yourself as you would make love to your lover. Give your whole loving heart and tender thrilling touch to you at least once a week!
o Make your Sexuality a Priority. The first blush of sexual discovery, whether with the self or with a partner, begins as a delightful journey that spurs us on to discover more. If, as life goes on, we shift our priorities to other things (work, family, household) over our sexuality, this will be reflected in our lives as a certain joylessness and drudgery may set in. Make time for you and for your sexual expression every week, even every day, if you can. You will reap great rewards!
o Education and training! It is time to give yourself permission to discover more and to have more. There are amazing possibilities out there that will enhance your life, your sexual experience and expression, and your relationships. Discover what attracts you; take time to explore.
A Few Tips to Ensure Safe Exploration
o Learn from the Best. Ensure your teachers or coaches have the maturity, education, training, and experience in the area you are exploring, in order to give you the best experience possible. Are they living their teachings with success in their own lives?
o Be gentle with yourself. There is no need to jump in all at once with both feet. Take baby steps. Be a witness to your feelings and honor them every step of the way. The better you care for yourself, the safer you will feel. If you are taking a class that does not allow you to opt out of any exercise you choose, you are in the wrong class.
o Activating and expanding your sexual vistas will bring up old "programming" for review. When it looms before you, the best question to ask yourself in each instance is "How is it working for you?" If it is not, it is time to explore it more deeply to see wherein there is value and what is counterproductive. Keep what works and drop the rest. Make sure you have proper support to deal with any emotional short circuits that may sizzle as a result of opening formerly shut-down areas: they were shut down for a reason, and need gentle nurturing in your healing and transformation processes.
o Communication - Learn about it. Use it. Learn how to be authentic and honest and truthful with yourself and others every step of the way. Create win-win scenarios.
Healthy, happy sexuality comes from self-love and well-considered priorities. Your wellbeing and health are profoundly tied to your sexual energy. Sexual energy = Life Force Energy = Chi = Ki = "The Force": the essence of physical reality and your aliveness - the most powerful force there is! You are not "out of control!" While such a powerful force cannot be stemmed, it can be managed and is manageable. Learn for yourself so that you can teach your sons to love themselves and to love and honor their partners. Learn how to manage your life force, use it well, and consciously direct it in ways that will best serve you to honor and improve your relationship with yourself and with others, to create the life of your dreams!
Copyright 2008 SHAMANESQUE ENT.
